Satire

It doesn’t take a mad scientist to notice the numerous problems we face in today’s world. One of these great problems that effect too many of us and keep us all from achieving our desired level of eudemonia is our current economic situation. At times it would seem hopeless. Depressing stories of people losing their jobs and being evicted from their homes are jammed down our throat almost daily. The lost income from diminished stocks cause individuals everywhere to cancel vacations and lose out on some of the excellent deals companies have had, like those that BMW have offered. Who would have ever thought Starbucks would be forced to shut down valuable locations? But all hope is not lost. I intend to set out my humble recommendations to solving these difficult predicaments. The overall goal is to improve the economy and as a natural result the many members of our species.


An immediate economic stimulus can come from the legalization of all non-prescription drugs. The profits from this billion dollar industry would provide much needed funding to numerous social programs, like hiring addictions councilors. The second benefit from this program would be the elimination of organized crime. With no organized crime there would be no violence in the streets of our great cities and it would be safe to go out again. Back to the good old days when you could leave your door unlocked without fear that some drug addicted criminal was going to come storming in, hold you and your family hostage while he took off with whatever he or she pleased.

Another possibility for these newfound profits, and a better option, would be to continue creating large stimulus packages for large banks and investment companies that have been suffering greatly throughout these tough economic times. It only stands to reason that the logical thing to do with any substantial amount of money would be to give it to the institutions that need these funds the most. If we were to fail in providing funds for these financial pillars of our society then the very foundation of our country would crack and shatter to pieces. Do we want a repeat of the Great Depression? If we want a crisis to become a catastrophe then we withhold our monetary means from these companies. They are a necessary component in escaping this self-imposed dilemma and need all the financial assistance we can provide.

Improving our foreign policy is of great significance to our economic situation. Spreading imperialism would not only greatly benefit us here at home, but would advance the financial quality of life for countless others. We begin with, at a bare minimum, quadrupling military spending to end these foolish wars overseas. If this is found not to be enough then we continue spending as much as necessary to win. There are no boundaries for achieving our means. When we win the war, victory is of course inevitable given the terms, instead of placing governments that are run by the citizens of that particular country we place our own officials to organize and maintain the government we institute. Returning to the model of early British imperialism a country like Iraq would no longer be known as Iraq but would be the American Republic of Iraq. Our government will not fail as the British did. Britain did not have the financial means to carry out this great plan, a concern we need not worry. Indeed history hath given us an important lesson and we shall succeed where our predecessors hath failed. Furthermore it is understandable that there will be criticism to the spread of imperialism but for many great movements in history there is always opposition. We must press on. Freedom of speech is one of the fundamental virtues of our country, but if it becomes detrimental to the betterment of all then that right shall be revoked. After the first phase of our foreign policy agenda is executed we will evaluate all other possible venues of improvement. Any country which is struggling economically shall become a protectorate. This will allow corporations that know exactly what they are doing to enter into a country and teach the citizens how to become successful. It is our duty to assist these nations who are struggling and a moral responsibility as well.

For many years American capitalism has been seen as the model for success, but times have changed. Current economic struggles have placed us into a situation where we should be evaluating and enforcing necessary changes to return to the affluent nation we are destine to be. China has recently transformed, seemingly overnight, into an economic powerhouse. In large part to their willingness to adapt from a strict communist system to a successful market economy that has fueled this unprecedented growth. Now it is our time to take heed to some of the Chinese systems that have enabled this significant increase in wealth. Two essential factors that have aided Chinese growth have been through cheap labor and the efficiency of their factories. An area that is easier to duplicate ourselves then one may imagine.

My final solution which brings me the greatest pleasure, in that I was able to think of it upon my own intelligence, is that of child conscription unto work. There is without question an epidemic of sorts among youth that has infiltrated the very core beliefs of our society. Children have become misbehaved, spoiled rotten little brats. Dropout rates are at an all time high and there are staggering numbers of students who are utter failures, or borderline failures, in their school work and as a result in their lives as well. Children hold nothing else other than an egoist ethical standard and provide no benefit to others, which is a crime in itself. To build into these brats a necessary work ethic we shall introduce the Child Conscription Work Act.

The structure of the C.C.W.A. is to allow the government to gather unproductive children and place them into a productive setting, undoubtedly a positive situation for all involved. Children at the age of 12 and achieving under the eightieth percentile will be placed into immediate work. We shall know plenty of a child by this age and if they are unable to succeed academically by this time, then they have had their chance. It is safe to assume that if success is not obvious by this age an inescapable future of working in an industry or trade awaits them anyway, assuming they do not fall to the bondage of homelessness or drug addiction first. We must save these children from their own chains of slavery. There is no reason to prolong this burden, not only on the school system but on the rest of society as well. Think of how happy this would make the parents that own a useless child that is continuously failing; oppose to the proud parents that are able to observe their child learning valuable traits such as discipline and hard work. Now this is not the only condition of the C.C.W.A. Children as young as eight years of age may be put to work if their grades fall under the sixty-fifth percentile. It would be absurd to suggest these children are too young as there are other effluent nations who already have children of a young age working. We should be taking notice of these proper techniques and applying them for the betterment of our own society. Not only are we recognizing children’s talents at a young age, but we are also creating stiffer competition among the elite. Through natural selection we have created a situation for children with the greatest capacity for intellect to truly succeed towards the maxim of their abilities. The curriculum can be focused on advanced topics and not have to slow down due to the dead weights that drag other potentials down. If the remaining children cannot handle the upper level academics, then it’s off to work they go. If the plans are followed in this recommendation then our ability to keep the growing number of corporations leaving for South East Asian locations vastly increase. The importance of keeping current companies from leaving is paramount to growth. Now with the added number of workforce available this will skyrocket production and wealth.

As it can plainly be seen the problems we are facing are not irreparable. The solutions are plain to see, it becomes a matter of implementing them. If we are truly interested in removing the selfish motives that have brought us to this sad state and wish to advance humanity, imperialism is our hope. Have we become so blind that we cannot see the light when in plain view? Let our foolishness not be our demise, but let us rise up as the robust, powerful and proficient tools we are capable of becoming. We are destined to own the material items we so desire. It is an absolute shame not everyone will know the enjoyment of the wind through their hair while holding the steering wheel of a Porsche, or the feeling of that Versace sweater matched with your Prada sweatpants and Gucci sandals. What an absolute shame life would become without these virtuous items. It is my earnest desire to see human kind improve its lots, not diminish itself as the current course would seem. It is my plea that we accept this recommendation and improve not only the citizens of our country but those upon the world stage as well.